In the Raw

Well, I normally talk about the kids and the simple things that are happening in our lives but here is some insight on what is happening now. I titled this one "Raw" because I normally try to keep certain things out of posts, but this is my journal and this is real.
The last two years have been extremly rough for Justin and I, sometime I wonder who it is that I married and how we ended up here. Well, last Sunday it finally came to a head and I told him I am done. We can see a marriage counselor or we can go our seperate ways, but I refuse to continue forward in the mess we are in. It isn't fair to any of us. The last thing I want to do is seperate because divorce has never been an option for me and I am not an advocate of it. I have tried going to bible studies, reading books, talking to Pastors and nothing has helped. I can't fix a two man show by myself. The more I tried to figure out how to make it better the worse it got. The closer I grow to Christ the further I get from my husband. There is no one with help and I get that, everyone is busy with their own lives and who wants to meddle in a situation only one person is trying to fix. I haven't worn my wedding band for about four months and he hasn't slept in our bed in about six months. The funny thing is, he seemed suprised when I told him I was done. Really??? Are men really that clueless. I work 60 hours a week and take care of the kids and home and he is really confused as to why I am done. Amazing.
Well, he actually wants to make it work and says "I don't want to see this thing fall apart". Thank goodness I am relieved for this because I don't either, but I can't keep doing what we are doing. I listen to a Christian radio station all the time and last week they were giving away tickets to a marriage enhancement weekend called "A Weekend to Remember". I was able to win tickets that include the price of the hotel all we need to do is get there. I was super nervous because I didn't think he would want to go and he said he would no questions asked. Then I thought, well we are both supposed to work and my job is ruthless I can't just take off. So I sent my boss an email that said I would be gone (I work nights and never see her) and I haven't heard anything back that says no. Justin told his boss he would be gone, so I am praying that the eyes of enlightment for both of us are opened. I know there are things I need to change, but I don't know what they are. If I say anyting to him I am being belittling and judgemental. So for the last few years I have said nothing because I refuse to fight in front of the kids. I also refuse to end up back in the hospital from stress and I had to make a decision. So here we are broke; the phone is still unplugged so we don't have to listen to everyone demanding money, and we are at the end of our rope. Part of me just wants to get it over with. If it's going to end please don't drag it out. I don't have the heart for it. On the other hand, what the heck will it do to these poor kids. They love their father immensly and he loves them, they need each other. I am praying that he has the ability to call the marriage counselor because "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink". I have called and I want to go, but it takes two.
So through all this we are actually doing good. This last week after our blow up, he has been much more aware and helpful like he really does want to put an effort forth to making things right. For this I am thankful. I am really frustrated that his Dad didn't show him how to be a husband and father. I always remember that Justin is starting from scratch when it comes to these things, he had no example. I am thankful he is trying and willing to come along side of me. I really hope we make it through this because in reality I can not imagine life without him.